ode to my ex-roommate

To celebrate the return of my blog I'm posting this, which I wrote exactly one year ago and never finished. It is a top ten list with only 7 items. Enjoy:

today I am celebrating my independence from the worst roommate who ever lived. she is moving out as we speak, probably destroying a good amount of my property in the process. but that's nothing new. to commemorate her last day of ruining my life I have created a very special top ten list.

Top Ten reasons why K---- SUCKS ASS

10. Inability to take care of her poor, long-suffering cat.

9. Destroyed the persian rug my grandmother gave me by spilling a pint of buffalo sauce on it and denied knowing anything about it, even as I picked the empty buffalo sauce bottle lying a few inches between the food she had just eaten and the rug, and politely inquired "Could this have anything to do with it?" Maintained she had no idea how it happened but offered to wash the [HAND-KNOTTED PERSIAN] rug in the WASHING MACHINE.

8. Upon moving in, brought ten or twelve trash bags full of clothes. Proceeded to wash every single item of clothing in our washing machine, using my laundry detergent. When I politely informed her the detergent belonged to me, she claimed ignorance, then said "I thought we shared stuff like that." I said, "It's not sharing if I don't know about it, and it's not sharing if I'm the only one who buys the laundry detergent. and fabric softener. and dish soap. and sponges. and paper towels and toilet paper. and aluminum foil, saran wrap, and wax paper. and salt, pepper, and spices. and milk and butter. and ketchup and mustard and mayonnaise. and soda and juice and beer and wine and wine glasses you break and and wine openers you bend because you're 20 and you don't know how to open that $8 gallon of merlot you stupid f-ing bitch."

7. After using up my detergent to wash ten trash bags full of ugly, skanky clothes apparently chosen to showcase her pasty and disgusting buttcrack, stuffed the empty trash bags IN THE TRASH. Then when we ran out of trash bags, continued to pile trash on top of the overstuffed trash can until it spilled onto the floor. When I returned from a long weekend and noticed that my kitchen resembled a landfill, I politely inquired, "Did you buy more trash bags?" She claimed poverty and unemployment and promised: "I'll call my mom tomorrow and see if she'll buy me some trash bags."

6. Used her poverty as an excuse for everything, but never thought it was quite serious enough to get an f-ing JOB. Meanwhile, claimed "I've been really busy" every time I asked her why she had (e.g.) not washed her dishes for two weeks, not fed her cat for three days, etc. Apparently it's pretty stressful to sit on the couch for 40 hours a week, watching Ellen DeGeneres specials and/or entire seasons of Nip Tuck while eating takeout and making obnoxious screechy noises.

5. Despite my pleas, compulsively invited friends over to dye their hair in my bathtub, using up all my aluminum foil and ruining three different shower curtains as well as the kitchen table my parents had given me just a few months ago. Regarding the shower curtains, she said "I've been told that nail polish remover will get it out. I have the whole week off so I can definitely take care of it." Apparently that week turned out to be "really busy," between watching TV, eating boxed foods, and generally being a complete f-ing idiot. I guess I should just be glad she didn't get around to burning a hole in the shower curtain with acetone.

My parents gave me the kitchen table that had been in our house since I was born. It is a fine piece of furniture, and unable to let anything nice go un-ruined, she got blue hair dye all over the table. To fix it, she also suggested acetone. I basically flipped out at that suggestion, so she decided that she would drive up to Home Depot and buy supplies to sand the dye off the table and REFINISH IT HERSELF. I politely declined her offer. OK, I wasn't polite at all. In fact, I think I may have done permanent damage to my vocal cords that day.

4. Lies compulsively and without shame. Had a massive party on a Tuesday without telling me or the landlords. I found out only because her friend tracked me down at school and said "Did you know K---- invited 150 people to come over tonight?" When I asked her she said she only invited five people and they must have spread the word. I told her I can't wait to "spread the word" to the cops that there are 150 underage drinkers in the house. Then I LOUDLY packed up everything in the liquor cabinet, LOUDLY put a lock on my bedroom door, and left.