Henry Kissinger, who I FUCKING HATE, said that. I guess that means he was lucky with the ladies, and although I weep for my entire gender if that is true, I wonder if he had a point. Personally, I think power corrupts, and I also think power tends to coincide with money, another characteristic I find generally unattractive. It's one thing to make a good income, but it's another thing to have a lot of money hanging around - that means you either make way too much and you're contributing to the ridiculously wide gap betwen rich and poor, and/or you need to give some away (i.e., you're selfish).
But I digress, back to power. I found that quote on an egregiously sexist website about Ladder Theory. I first heard about Ladder Theory at a friend's party - the girl who mentioned it was one of those highly-manicured types who feigns "edge" in such a nauseating way. She talked endlessly about how useless men are, moments later sucking face with another girl just to get a guy's attention (not that she needed to go to such lengths considering the gratuitous amount of tittie popping out of the corset-y thing she was wearing). But again I digress, and also I'm starting to sound bitter. I'm not, she was just gross is all. And she subscribes to Ladder Theory, which comes as no surprise.
Anyhow, since I looked up Ladder Theory it has been nibbling at my brain - it seems like total bullshit at first glance (as well as second glance, third glance, etc.) I especially disagree with the pie chart breaking down why some women are attracted to jerks. I disagree both with the ingredients in said pie as well as with the statement that "women dig assholes". I think it's kind of a sexist generalization that encourages men to be jerks and women to think that masculinity is equal to jerkiness. That's a whole other story though, and the God's honest truth is that over the past three years or so I've witnessed a majority of my girl friends dating JERKS. After college, at least 75% of my closest friends settled into long-term relationships with incredibly lame boys - from the innocuously lazy to the maliciously jealous, cheating and lying and verbal abuse and everything in between.
Three and a half years later, I'm happy to report that at least half of that original group has broken up with their Mr. Lame, and learned some valuable lessons along the way. I think the biggest lesson I learned was that "all of your friends can't be wrong". For some reason people think "Oh, I don't care what Suzie says, Johnnie is a wonderful person on the inside and he's just misunderstood". But when Suzie, Mary, Steve, your parents, and the Suffolk County District Attorney ALL think your significant other is bad news, perhaps you ought to listen. This is not to say that I'm adept at taking my own advice - trust me, I'm not.
OK, I have digressed beyond the point where I could strategically transition to the point I was originally trying to make, so I'm just going to go for it. To make a long story short, I just got off the phone with a friend who shall remain nameless. She wondered how to politely avoid making plans with a guy she just met, a guy she is not interested in a romantic relationship with. Here's where Ladder Theory may or may not come into play: the tricky part about this situation is that of course, the guy did not call and say "Hey, female, would you like to go out for a drink sometime? We can develop what you think is a beautiful friendship, while I strategically gauge how long it will be until I can bang you."
Now Ladder Theory would have us believe that every guy who ever meets a girl, no matter how attractive or not, compatible or not, etc., definitely wants to sleep with her. The difference between actually sleeping with her or not depends upon two factors: 1) whether or not she's interested and 2) her position on "the ladder" (i.e. is there a way hotter girl standing two feet away?) I hate hate hate this! But back to the story; she's not 'interested' in the guy but of course can't presume that the only reason he wants to get together is because he is 'interested' in her. That would be, in her opinion, not so much conceited as just...dangerous?
Ladder Theory has me all worked up now, and I have dishes to do. I'll await other peoples' opinions instead of obsessing over it myself, at least for a few hours. Today I'm off to Winterfest, which if all goes well, will be a little less ridiculous than last year.
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4 comments:
I've been thinking kind of obsessively about this Ladder Theory thing now that I know what it is! My overall take on it is that, yes, the guy who wrote it is totally sexist, but... for me at least, it explains a lot of shit that I never had any explanation for until now. Most of the most egregiously sexist things are not actually all that central to the theory and can probably be trimmed... This idea that men can only be friends with attractive women if the man is "an intellectual whore" is absurd... I also think men and women's pie are actually not nearly that different (most women, for example, actually seem to care a lot more about looks then money/power) and not every man's or woman's pie is exactly the same anyway.
Like a lot of things that claim to deal with "human nature" but seem to have a grain of truth, there are two possible ways to use it. On the one hand you can use it to justify messed up behavior, as you point out. But on the other hand I think you can use it to say, "this is what people are doing, and why" and use that as a starting point for changing messed up behavior. If you pretend there is no fundamental reason for patriarchy (pretend that men and women are actually exactly alike, and are good natured, the only problem is that they are brainwashed or deceived) then you have no way means for addressing what is actually going on.
I feel like I could go on and on but I'll stop for now!
Nice! Some Ladder Theory discussion. I've been intrigued about this theory ever since someone pointed it out to me a few months ago.
It seems to me that you are sort of implicitly asking two different questions of the blogosphere in your post: (1) Is there anything to the Ladder Theory? and (2) In your friend's particular case, what should she do?
To address (1), in my opinion the very short answer is: yes. Now, to qualify: the guy who wrote the theory himself says something in answer to a question, "Is this all a big farce?" He responds to the effect that all satire has a grain of truth to it.
A lot of what he has on the site is exaggerated and for satirical purposes, but the basic tenets of the theory are, I think, true. I think that in its essential components, the theory explains a lot that is true about male-female relationships. This is based on my personal experience and observation of my male and female friends' interactions/experiences/relationships.
Now, all generalities have exceptions, but I think that *in general*: A) Otherwise intelligent, attractive women who could have their so-called "pick of the litter" often gravitate toward "assholes" for one reason or another; B) Women quite often have male friends who fulfill certain mental/emotional needs that their boyfriend etc. can/do not (i.e. the "intellectual whore;" C) The majority of men are attracted to a significant portion of their female friends on some level, and this is not reciprocated to the same degree by the females; D) Directly related to C, many females think they are "just friends" with males, whereas the males would consummate a physical relationship if the opportunity presented itself.
Now, to speak to your friend's situation: 9 times out of 10 this guy is interested in her, especially if he just met her and is asking her to hang out.
All women need to realize this and proceed apace.
That has to be the longest comment I've ever written. Must be all this wine.
Cheers!
1. you've borrowed that corset-y thing from me several times so stop talking shit.
2. i must admit that i have not studied ladder theory in depth--i've read some of the website, but mostly anne's told me about it, and i have to say... there was a time in my life where i would have loved a set of rules to refer to to explain and dictate the way men and women treat each other. what it eventually came down to, for me, is being honest with myself about people's motivations. i mean, every once in a while i will come across behavior that is completely foreign to me, or i'll simply disagree with the way people act. for the most part, though, the simplest answer is usually the right one: if he's not being nice to you, he's just not that into you (to steal a phrase), and most things that people do are in their best interest. for instance, a man who says to a woman, "i'm an asshole, you don't want to be involved with me," is NOT acting selflessly or in her intrest. he's being completely selfish and presenting a disclaimer. it's not, "run, save yourself!" it's, "have sex with me, but be prepared for and 'i told you so' when i never call you again."
obviously this kind of gets away from the specific situation you were referring to and speaks more to my feelings on ladder theory itself... but i think what brian and mike said, about there being a gain of truth in the sweeping generalities this guy makes, is true. my feeling on relationships, though, is that you can't set rules because people are individuals. i am probably not making sense here, but i have a headache and i don't feel like editing.
happy valentine's day!
No Final Thought, Anne?
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